confucian wisdom

Confucius is credited with saying that if we choose a job we love, we'll never have to work a day in our lives. Confucius knew his stuff.

My "office" for the past week

I just got back from a week in western new york state, "working" in a charming city on the southeastern shore of Lake Ontario. I thought Lake Champlain, which I see every day, was big. Ha! For the first time in my life I understood why the Great Lakes are great. I couldn't fathom the breadth of that lake, the sheer amount of water it holds or the distance it covers.

We were there to put on the town's first ever dragon boat festival. My role - to teach novice paddlers the dragon boat stroke, to get them working together as a team and prepare them for racing. My "job" involves meeting new people, laughing with them, encouraging them, turning their self-doubt into success and seeing them grin with pride at their accomplishments. I get to yell and scream until my voice is hoarse, my hair tangled and unkempt, and my cheeks red from sun and wind. I've never been this color of honey, despite so many summers laying out trying to tan. I hold the fate of twenty-one people in my hands as I guide these big boats around all kinds of waters and down a racecourse. It's an awesome responsiblity - one I never dreamed even existed, much less that I would have it one day.

We were a team of three for most of the week. Our days were mostly free: I worked on some of my freelance projects, finalized the curricula for the classes I'm teaching, and took the rest of the time to explore our host city. Invariably, the water drew me down. I never tire of it, of looking at it. It looks different every day, every hour. In the evening, after the 'normal' workday was over, we held training sessions for those teams who had signed up to race in Saturday's festival. We took twenty-odd people, of all shapes and sizes, some fit, some not, and turned them into athletes for a little while. Individually, they were rather unremarkable. Together, they were amazing. They bonded, they strategized, they listened, learned, applied the lessons they'd learned. I joke around a lot with my crews, I make fun of them (in a good-natured way of course) and build up their confidence unti they believe they can win. Ha - they don't know that even before the races are held, they've already won!

I love what I do. I truly love what I do. I don't work. This isn't work. This is living. How blessed am I?

Don't let one person define who you are - unless that person is you

I originally called this blog "surviving dick" - intending it to be a repository of reflection through which I could vent a little, gain some insight, help a few others, and heal. But then I realized, that by giving Dick the focus, I was still letting him win, letting him define the me I am today, ten years after the finalization of our divorce. What the hell was I thinking?? He is the perpetual birdshit on my windshield - the crusty one in the corner, just out of reach of the wiper blades (you know the one!) and nothing more. This is still going to be a place for reflection, but also of celebration - because my life is so blessed.

So - take a lesson from me.. don't let the past, or any single rotten stupid mean and nasty individual define who you are now. Only you can do that. Who will you be today?

I am a mom, an athlete, a coach, an historian, a teacher and a writer. I am loved by my kids and my fiance. I am self-employed, chaos rules my day-to-day existence, my house needs a paint-job but I can lift really heavy stuff :) Life is good!

How to cope with a narcissist.

My ex-husband Dick is a narcissist. He lacks empathy for others, is arrogant and has an inflated sense of self-importance. He feels so superior to others that productive communication with him is practically impossible. We presently live across state lines from one another, about 3 hours apart. By weird happenstance he connived his way into getting custody of our girls just about a year ago. My oldest, 17 at the time, wrote this to her father when she heard the news:

I'm not moving there. Please stop making plans for me to do so. Worst-case scenario, for me, would for this to actually happen. Someone would have had to drag me into the car, forced me to stay in said car, and drive me to your house, but ignore that. If I am forced to live with you long-term, I will run away. I will backpack across states, possibly hitchhiking, who knows, until I find a friend that will allow me to stay with them. Auntie M lives in Illinois, right? 

In conclusion, you should stop making plans for me to live with you because you feel hitchhiking would be hazardous to my health. Knock it the fuck off.

Sincerely,
[her full name here, middle initial and all]

P.S. Seriously. I'm getting pissed. (More irritation will be retaliated with active rebellion. Things like drinking and partying and sex and drugs. Do you want that for me? No? Then stop it.) 

My youngest, on the other hand, tried to appease her dad and said ok, I'll try it. But she's smart too, and first elicited his promise that if she hated the school in his town, she could come back to where she was.

Well, she hated it. She was miserable. She asked to come back. How did Dick respond?

"What's in it for me?"

To say that his self-centeredness and self-admiration are frustrating to deal with is an understatement. He believes he can do no wrong, that he is a stellar parent and individual, and that the rest of the world just victimizes him. It was not his fault his employers asked him to leave, or that his wife left him, or that his children have started to despise him. No, according to him, it was I who messed with his work (I didn't), I who left because I was unfaithful (I wasn't) and I who have been poisoning the kids against him (of course I haven't, he's done a great job of that himself).

According to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Association NPD is extremely tough to cope with (for those around the sufferer) and even harder to treat. First the patient has to acknowledge that he or she has an issue, understand their symptoms and consent to treatment, and engage in appropriate psychotherapy. For those targeted by the narcissist - there are some good coping methods, but the only true solution to the problem is to remove the narcissist from your life entirely. (How sad is that for the sufferer though? Yeah I hate my ex but still, I have empathy for the human being he is somewhere deep under that mean, miserable and nasty exterior.) I have disengaged considerably, only interact with him when I have to, and am counting down the days until my youngest turns 18 so that I can turn his voice off forever. My kids on the other hand... they're not so lucky. My oldest has the right to see and interact with him on her terms now, but that still doesn't stop him from trying to manipulate and guilt her into whatever he wants. And my little one - she has two more years until she can officially push him away. Until then, I have to work extra hard to keep her sane and minimize the pain he inflicts.

When is a simple question anything but?

When you ask it of Dick, that's when.

Dear Dick. Can we please switch February and April vacations? I will be working out of state during April vacation week.

Simple enough right? All it really needs is a yes or no. This (plus several more paragraphs and at least eight additional emails I won't bore you with) is what I got:

You are not my favorite person right now.  Maybe if you change your behavior, act more like a mother, and stop being in contempt, then I would be more open to concessions and favors.  Until I see some real movement from you with regard to following the order, and including me as a co-parent, I've got nothing for you.

Right. Silly me. Of course not.

We've been divorced 11 years now. (At least I think so - I can't remember when I married Dick, or what the official date of our divorce was. Why? Because he's still sucking energy out of me after all this time, like those annoying ants that keep coming into my house season after season. You spray, you put out the traps, you protect yourself, you think you have a handle on it and then... they're right back there, making your skin crawl.)

I used to try and explain and rationalize. Cajole and humor. Ignore or call his bluff. Defend myself and point out his inconsistencies. I gave all of those strategies up a long time ago, because they just didn't work. Why? Because you just can't reason with crazy.

I know what you're thinking. His answer doesn't seem all that unreasonable. Well, of course not, I haven't established context for you yet. This may take a few posts.

I met Dick when I was a freshman in college. We both worked at the campus conference center...I was a waitress, he was a bus boy... blah blah blah. He liked me, I liked his attentions, we got together. Fast forward a bit... I graduated, he dropped out. I was confident and adventurous, he struggled with his self-esteem and guarded me protectively. I had lived and travelled abroad, he had generally stayed safely between New Hampshire and Massachusetts. I fancied myself a poet, he a novelist. We made a baby, we got married, he needed a better job.

He became a cop.

He became an asshole.

I didn't know what hit me.