My ex-husband Dick is a narcissist. He lacks empathy for others, is arrogant and has an inflated sense of self-importance. He feels so superior to others that productive communication with him is practically impossible. We presently live across state lines from one another, about 3 hours apart. By weird happenstance he connived his way into getting custody of our girls just about a year ago. My oldest, 17 at the time, wrote this to her father when she heard the news:
I'm not moving there. Please stop making plans for me to do so. Worst-case scenario, for me, would for this to actually happen. Someone would have had to drag me into the car, forced me to stay in said car, and drive me to your house, but ignore that. If I am forced to live with you long-term, I will run away. I will backpack across states, possibly hitchhiking, who knows, until I find a friend that will allow me to stay with them. Auntie M lives in Illinois, right?
In conclusion, you should stop making plans for me to live with you because you feel hitchhiking would be hazardous to my health. Knock it the fuck off.
Sincerely,
[her full name here, middle initial and all]
P.S. Seriously. I'm getting pissed. (More irritation will be retaliated with active rebellion. Things like drinking and partying and sex and drugs. Do you want that for me? No? Then stop it.)
My youngest, on the other hand, tried to appease her dad and said ok, I'll try it. But she's smart too, and first elicited his promise that if she hated the school in his town, she could come back to where she was.
Well, she hated it. She was miserable. She asked to come back. How did Dick respond?
"What's in it for me?"
To say that his self-centeredness and self-admiration are frustrating to deal with is an understatement. He believes he can do no wrong, that he is a stellar parent and individual, and that the rest of the world just victimizes him. It was not his fault his employers asked him to leave, or that his wife left him, or that his children have started to despise him. No, according to him, it was I who messed with his work (I didn't), I who left because I was unfaithful (I wasn't) and I who have been poisoning the kids against him (of course I haven't, he's done a great job of that himself).
According to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Association NPD is extremely tough to cope with (for those around the sufferer) and even harder to treat. First the patient has to acknowledge that he or she has an issue, understand their symptoms and consent to treatment, and engage in appropriate psychotherapy. For those targeted by the narcissist - there are some good coping methods, but the only true solution to the problem is to remove the narcissist from your life entirely. (How sad is that for the sufferer though? Yeah I hate my ex but still, I have empathy for the human being he is somewhere deep under that mean, miserable and nasty exterior.) I have disengaged considerably, only interact with him when I have to, and am counting down the days until my youngest turns 18 so that I can turn his voice off forever. My kids on the other hand... they're not so lucky. My oldest has the right to see and interact with him on her terms now, but that still doesn't stop him from trying to manipulate and guilt her into whatever he wants. And my little one - she has two more years until she can officially push him away. Until then, I have to work extra hard to keep her sane and minimize the pain he inflicts.
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